joe, sf, april 2010.
last sunday i went on an okcupid date with a therapist. he was smart, and very cute. a little more clean-cut than i usually go for, but very cute. we had decent conversation, but i was nervous, and for some reason my nerves never settled down. that night i didn’t feel On, or cute, or sexy, or particularly good about myself. i just felt nervous and like i wanted him to like me, and i couldn’t figure out how to make him like me, and i was tired of playing the game and tired of dating and just so tired of it all. but anyway, the date was ok i guess, until i drove him home and we were saying goodnight and i asked him if he wanted to hang out again. and he went silent. literally silent. no words. no “ums” or “maybes” or laughs or anything. just pure, 100 percent unadulterated awkward silence.
it sucked.
“yeah,” he finally said. (super convincingly, of course.)
“you hesitated,” i said. then he unleashed a bunch of bullshit about knowing he wanted to move home to north carolina within the year, so being unsure about what he was looking for and whether he was looking for a relationship. i told him that was fine, that i wasn’t necessarily looking for a serious relationship either (even though i am), and that we should just hang out again and see what happened. it felt like i was begging him to hang out with me again — not cute.
it’s been a week and i haven’t heard from him. why am i not surprised?
