…almost as bad as a post-it note
dear asswipe, it takes a very special kind of man to dump a girl via email.
not that it came totally unexpectedly. yesterday morning, when i discovered you’d put your OKCupid profile back up without telling me, i knew things were over between us. uh, i mean, obviously. right then it became painfully clear that you were just too much of a pussy to clue me in to the fact that you wanted out. but no matter how cold and robotic and emotionally stunted you’ve seemed during these 2.5 months we’ve been dating, i still thought, underneath it all, that you cared. you were SO affectionate and SO demonstrative and SO all over me, all the time — in public, in private, anywhere and everywhere. maybe it was a cultural thing? a latin-man thing? i kept wondering, kept analyzing, kept worrying, kept trying to figure you out.
it was exhausting.
and it didn’t add up — why would someone who seemed SO physically into me act SO removed when we were apart? it didn’t take long, into our “relationship,” that you started disappearing between dates. no calls, no texts, no emails. it would usually take 3-4 days for me to hear from you. but the closer i felt like we were getting physically — every time we got together, it felt good and right and like things were progressing — the more i sensed that your waiting so long to contact me WASN’T NORMAL. it wasn’t right. who treats someone he’s sleeping with, and in an exclusive relationship with, like that?
i knew that was weird, i knew it was off, but i kept going, thinking the way you treated me when we were together might be able to compensate for your mysterious MIA-ness when we were apart. we had fun together and the chemistry was good. on paper, you had everything i was looking for — a great job you were passionate about, financial stability, creativity, smarts, hotness, interesting-ness, and, i admit, you were really sweet with my animals, which meant a lot to me.
it’s painfully obvious now that i was ALL WRONG about you. you’re emotionally damaged, clearly. i feel sorry for any woman you attempt to “date” (meaning, ahem, “mindfuck”). you shouldn’t be on OKCupid. you’re not looking for a relationship. you’re not looking for anything real. you’re looking for an easy breezy bullshit fuck-buddy. maybe one you could even call your “girlfriend.” but you aren’t looking for intimacy or honesty or communication or any of the other things that are supposed to come, as part of the package deal, when you’re in a relationship.
you’re a self-centered, cowardly emotional midget. i hope you spend the rest of your days alone, playing your video games, watching your bullshit animated movies, and avoiding anything resembling a real relationship with a real, live woman who attempts to care about you. you clearly just can’t handle it.
sincerely, me
p.s. no, we can’t still be friends. go fuck yourself.
